Counseling Center
Department of Student WellnessHelping students meet life's challenges.Counseling CenterThe staff of the Counseling Center are here to help you maintain a balanced and healthy life and succeed at ESU. Our range of services include counseling, art therapy, drug and alcohol prevention and referral, information and programs of interest to women and men, sexual assault prevention, and stress and anxiety management through biofeedback training. Helping Others and Yourself Survive TragedyCounselors are available to help any students, faculty or staff affected by the recent tragedies both here and at Northern Illinois State University. Please call and let us know if you need to talk to a counselor or would a like a counselor to come to your group or classroom. Here are some helpful websites with information on trauma and coping and then scroll down to see an article about grief. http://www.trauma-pages.com/support.php http://www.giftfromwithin.org/ http://www.lifechanges.org/create/creative.html DEATH AND GRIEF When coping with a death of a loved one/classmate, you may go through all kinds of emotions. You may be sad, worried or scared. You might be shocked, unprepared or confused. You might be feeling angry, cheated, guilty, exhausted or just plain empty. Your emotions might be stronger or deeper than usual or mixed together in ways you've never experienced before. Some people find they have trouble concentrating, studying, sleeping or eating when they're coping with a death. Others lose interest in activities they used to enjoy. Some people lose themselves in playing computer games or eat or drink to excess and some people feel numb, as if nothing has happened. Some of these coping skills are normal; however, eating and drinking to excess and avoiding school work and friends can hinder the healing process. The grieving process is a gradual one that lasts longer for some people than others. There may be times when you worry that you'll never enjoy life the same way again, but this is a natural reaction after a loss. Caring for Yourself The loss of someone close to you can be stressful. It can help you to cope if you take care of yourself in certain small but important ways. Here are some that might help:
Going forward and healing from grief doesn't mean forgetting about the person you lost. Getting back to enjoying life doesn't mean you no longer miss the person. How long it takes until you start to feel better isn't a measure of how much you loved the person. With time, the loving support of family and friends, the assistance from a professional counselor and your own positive actions, you can find ways to cope with even the deepest loss. DUMP THAT ZERO AND GET WITH A HERO!Counselors discuss the obstacles many women face in finding “Mr. Right.”
In the April 2008 edition of Counseling Today, Angela Kennedy wrote an article entitled “Dump that zero and get with a hero”. The article deals with the subject of why good girls often get stuck on bad boys. John Farrar, a counselor educator at Central Michigan University, calls it a phenomenon: the reoccurring nightmare of capable women choosing needy and dysfunctional men. “This appears to cross all age, ethnic and socioeconomic lines,” Farrar says. For the past several years, Farrar, a member of the American Counseling Association, has conducted his own research into why women fall for “Mr. Wrong” and has come up with some interesting answers. “I have counseled and surveyed girls and women, ranging in age from 16 to 60, from high school girls to graduate students to professional women,” he said and “They all had some of the same basic answers and universal responses.” Farrar has analyzed the survey data to pin point reasons why women choose negative types of men. Farrar’s investigation has led him to the identification of six causes, or ‘strands’ that lead to these relationship decisions. The strands Farrar has identified are as follows:
Low Self-Concept or Self Esteem “Self-concept, as it applies to why females end up in relationships with less capable males, appears to dictate to certain women that they are simply not deserving of a more worthy partner,” Farrar says. “Consequently, for women who suffer from a diminished sense of self, finding a ‘match’ can translate into pairing with a man less capable than themselves.” Although friends and family may see that the pair is mismatched, the woman views her partner as an equal or believes she is getting all that she deserves from a relationship.
Nurturing Farrar notes that nurturing is the most common strand identified by women in the survey. “There are, of course, many explanations for why women are drawn to this behavioral pattern,” he says. “Anthropologists would account for caretaking behavior as being biologically rooted in a female’s nature. It is a traditionally held view that, even in the age of the computer, feminism and the two-income household, women retain their biologically driven instincts to look after others.”
Excitement Do nice guys finish last? In the case of women in this strand, yes, says Farrar. “Ironically, many women seem drawn to men who don’t treat them as well as nice guys do. These guys are seen as more exciting than the conventional, good guy.”
Need to be Nurtured This strand plays on a woman’s desire to be cared for by what some people jokingly refer to as the “sugar daddy,” described by Farrar as, typically, an attractive male who is older than the woman by as least a few years. This man brings elements of status to the relationship, such as a nice car, extravagant trips or lavish spending. In the beginning, these young women feel that he is attentive, exciting, romantic and powerful in a sheltering and supportive way. Unfortunately, things change and there is a downward progression toward possessiveness, suspicion, manipulation and, eventually, abuse. The choices of these girls and women have their roots in their developmental experiences, principally in their relationships with the men who served, or more likely, did not serve as father figures.
Control This is a common strand identified by more mature women. "This strand is, in many ways, more complex and difficult to understand fully than many of the others,” says Farrar. Its origins may be the most difficult to trace and probably has its beginnings in many disparate areas. The female who is seeking control, either consciously or unconsciously, may be exhibiting learned behavior from a dominant mother. In these relationships, either underlying insecurity is guiding these women to needier males, or the women are simply acting out their commitment to a feminist view, which makes them determined not to be dominated by any male. The woman who seeks control is buying into a trade-off situation. “The compromise involves tolerating the non-achieving behavior of a mate for the right and ability to make the decisions in the relationship,” says Farrar.
Chemistry Chemistry is the miscellaneous, “there’s just something about him” catchall strand. It accounts for relationships between individuals for whom there are no obvious common interests or personality matches. The chemistry strand offers an explanation for relationship choices that seemingly cannot be accounted for otherwise.
Preventative Measures After identifying the strands, Farrar took his research a step further and developed strategies to help women choose healthier relationships. Among his suggestions are:
A Woman’s Perspective Nina Atwood, ACA member, has written and published three self-help books on relationship issues. These books tap into why women choose what she refers to as “wounded men.” She says, “There is an educational piece to getting into a good relationship and actions you can do to help ensure you are getting involved in a healthy commitment.” Atwood says she has pinpointed 10 temptations women should avoid in relationships:
One of the biggest temptations women should avoid is falling for the wounded man, according to Atwood. “That’s a guy who uses his issues in life, whether it’s a rough childhood, an addiction or whatever he is struggling with, as an excuse to avoid responsibility and commitment,” Attwood says. She adds that women sometimes find themselves tempted by wounded men because these men are often very charming. Women often take these men on as a sort of personal project, thinking they can help to fix him, heal him or solve his problems. The problem is you can’t rehabilitate the wounded man by loving him. These men need to be confronted and made to face their issues.
Women need to implement a dating process that will protect them while they are figuring out if this is someone who is compatible and has good character. A successful dating process incorporates all the “solutions” highlighted in her 10 temptations to avoid, according to Atwood.
“Women should look for courtship. It’s an old-fashioned word, but the principle of it still holds true. He must be willing to pursue you. Today, women don’t even know how to be courted – they don’t have any expectation of it,” Atwood said. “But as a woman, one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life is your choice of a life partner. Make a poor one, and the consequences could be devastating for years. Make a good one, and you have the foundation for a lifetime of happiness.” ON-LINE SCREENING FOR MENTAL HEALTHOnline Screening is available by clicking here. We invite you to the online screening for depression, anxiety, alcohol abuse and eating disorders. This free screening is available to all ESU students and is taken anonymously. The screening is provided so that you may find out - in a few minutes - whether or not professional consultation would be helpful to you. A CHANGE IN LIFE COULD BE ACHANGE IN MOODCommon stressors in college life include:
For more information regarding stress, check out our Biofeedback Services in the Counseling Center, 211 South Morse Hall. You will also find some valuable information by checking our Self-Help web page. |
Last Updated April 10, 2008